Attorney Tricia Dwyer has been rated 'Superb' by Avvo for multiple years.
HIGH CONFLICT PERSONALITIES
Most often are:
Paranoid, or some combination.
1. Obsession with blaming other people, 'it's never my fault',
2. All or Nothing thinking & solutions.
3. Intense, out of control emotions, e.g., stomping out, yelling, and
4. Extremes of behavior, say outrageous things, Threatening (e.g., 'I'll ruin you', 'I'll kill myself if...')
The person has a 'Target of Blame':
They fixate on ONE person
Want to control that person, destroy that person.
How to avoid being a 'Target':
1. Don't get close to them, because if close, most at
2. They tend to target intimate, significant others and people in positions of authority, e.g., police
Frame the question as: Is the aim to build bonds with this person, or
Is the aim to minimize bonds or entirely end the relationship?
What to do?
1. Do not argue with them
2. Keep them at arm's length
3. Can say 'Oh well, that's interesting, I gotta go now....'
Process/Trick of the High Conflict Person:
1. They flatter, seduce, and then
2. Name one person at Target of Blame, attack them, and
3. They add others - 'splitting' - all good or all bad world. Borderline & Narcissists, and
4. They get everyone fighting, and then the High Conflict Person dominates/controls the group.
Skills/Techniques for dealing with High Conflict Personalities (Histrionic, Borderline, Narcissist
Do Two Steps: First, Calm their right brain--empathy, respect. Be calm in my tone of voice & behavior - helps them calm, confident, firm. DO NOT MIRROR THEM-I be calm & confident, and they most times will calm- I be stable while they are 'up'/'down'
No threats such as 'I'll fire you' - do that later, step by step
EXCEPTION/BUT IF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP: Victim needs to be protected, boundaries, getting out of the relationship
, and then Second,
High Conflict People are full of anger, pain & grief that's never healed
Often very agitated, emotional. Borderline, rollercoaster of emotions
ME: Don't overreact or underreact
They aren't able to reflect on their own behavior, very self absorbed & can't see, can't empathize, they don't look at their OWN part - preoccupation with blaming, control, eliminating that person (why? they think it'll relieve their pain).
They Target: Intimate others & People in authority - lawyer, family court, 'you'll solve all'. They come to me NOT to change self - they come to me/professional, to fix things
WHY BULLIES WIN:
1. They use emotional power & 'bully narrative' to gain control
2. They are willing to hurt/harm other people to get what they want
3. Often play on people's fears - lie
get others to side with Bully
I feel, 'Did I give signal OK for them to hurt me?' ME: Don't get stuck in that-healthy response BUT do NOT stay vulnerable to them
Bullies: Hurt others on purpose, to get what they desperately want, &/or to get the satisfaction of feeling superior to another person. Bullies domineer, are vindictive & are intrusive. They don't have self control.
Narcissist: 'Me', lacks empathy
Antisocial Personalities: No remorse, don't care if hurt or rationalize hurting/mistreating/stealing
Borderline: Inappropriate intense anger, difficulty controlling it, e.g. temper flares, constant anger, recurrent physical fights. They can't stop-no ability
Domestic abuse victims: Abuser controls them - isolates them from family/friends, they lose self-esteem
FANTASY CRISIS TRIAD, 'story' created-lie by Bully
1. Lies of abuse, alienation, harassment, &
2. 'a fantasy villain' - recast Victim as all powerful & dangerous, &
3. 'a fantasy hero' - Bully recast as saving Victim from harming self/abusing others
IN COURT, OVER & OVER, BULLY GETS THE GROUP EMOTIONALLY ANGRY AT THE VICTIM/ALLEGED VICTIM, AND DEFEND THE BULLY/'ALLEGED HERO'.
Point: Learn how bullies behavior. Stay open minded, ESPECIALLY if internet/social media involved (the sources of info' are distant & unknown)
Send a private message now (include name of other adult involved).
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